College Thoughts

It is Senior year for me. This is my last few months in college, and I can see already how quickly they're going to whip by. In a few months I'll have my own share of responsibilities and needs. Have I made the most of my time here? Have I grabbed every precious youthful moment by the balls, twisted vigorously, and sucked the sweet juices from its darkest chambers? Have I successfully carpe'd the diem?

The answer, some might argue, is no. In terms of the drug pool, I didn't venture particularly deep. In terms of the sex pool, I didn't wade particularly far, and certainly not with very many partners. I have not tried anything that could be chemically addicting, and I have not gotten my "pimp on" as some may say.

What have I accomplished? I wrote two fucking plays, and both were awesome. I've grown as an artist in every respect, be it my writing, my acting, and I've developed an entirely new skill as a director. I've grown intellectually, from someone who dipped a finger in a thousand different pots to a person with a genuine intellectual curiosity. I can relate to people now in an unfamiliar social situation, whereas before I found myself muttering and mumbling with an extreme degree of awkwardness. I have grown more comfortable in my skin. And in doing so, I discovered something: I don't really value the "experience" that people usually equate with college. This is not a judgemental call. This is not me saying that I disapprove of people who experiment. I disapprove of people who get addicted to anything, but that's a different story. I simply believe that, for me...I could do without 'em. I could. I'd like to try some again, before I have a family and everything, but I could not just as easily. That's not where my mojo is. Just ain't me.

So do I regret not smoking more, not snorting more, not fucking more (or at least more people)? No. That's not who I am.

Here's what I do regret: my mawkishness and my depression makes me introverted. It's manifested itself in a number of ways, but the way that I find I most regret is not reaching out to people. Allowing people to stay at an arm's length, never contacting people who I consider my friends, never fostering my friendships in any meaningful way. That's just not cool. I'm very sorry I've done that, not been a better friend to more people. I feel I'm not close with so many people I could very easily have been close with. This year I'm going to try and do better, but...we'll see how it works out.

What next now? What the fuck do I do? The world calls, and I feel as though I have something to give, but it's all in arena's that are fraught with competition and despair. Acting? Fuckin' A, can I get by being six foot two, slouchy and slim? Writing? Yeah, me and about eighty thousand other Jewish college graduates who can type kind of fast. Journalism? With what experience or credentials, exactly? It's not that I don't feel like I'm ready to do something. It's that everything I chose is just so hard to do.

Give me some love, professional America. I'm an okay writer, I'm pretty personable. I'd just like some kind of assurance that I could maybe at some point live above the poverty line. Can you give me that without me going to law school? I hope you can, professional America. I hope you can.

My show

My show is a good show. I don't often say this. I don't often admit to myself that I've accomplished something. Even when I do a good job, it is often tempered by a feeling that I could have somehow done better. All my performances, with the possible exception of my role in Proof senior year of high school, have felt like this. Rufio, despite people enjoying it a great deal, felt this way. But I've worked on this damn script for a good three years, and after so much re-structuring and revising, I think I've finally made something that I am happy with. This is saying a lot for me.

To everyone who is important to me and couldn't come see this play, I hope to God this play doesn't end here at Skidmore College. I hope to show this to everyone I come in contact with on my long, dark journey towards artistic success. God willing, someone will take it, and they will treat it well. When this happens, I hope you can make it to whatever converted church basement in Greenwich Village is willing to take this thing. I think you'd really like it.

This is not a funny post. I am sorry about this.