Opinions on People: A continuing series

Michael Bay

I saw Transformers a few nights ago, and I figured out why I dislike Michael Bay, other than simple sheep-like "Dude fucking sucks" movie snobbery.

Saying that Bay is an overtly commercial filmmaker who caters to a lowest-common-denominator is not enough to decry him. There several directors who make brash, populist films and yet are unreservedly adored by most critics: Steven Spielberg, to name a big one. Then Robert Zemeckis, Sam Raimi, Peter Jackson, and George Lucas (for the most part). Going deeper into "Golden Age" Hollywood you have even more: Alfred Hitchcock, John Ford, Howard Hawks, Charlie Chaplin, Frank Capra, Billy Wilder...these were not artists who were trying to stake their claim by creating obtuse, intellectually challenging films. They were very good filmmakers whose only interest was to entertain and, if there was time enough, enlighten. So the fact that Michael Bay's stated interest in filmmaking is to entertain a simple crowd, we can't really begrudge him on that reasoning alone.

Another big complaint levelled against him is the way his slash-and-sputter action sequences have no real sense of distance, depth, or really anything except a series of haphazardly filmed cars, guns and explosions. Now, call me tasteless, but I tend to like Bay's action sequences. They're a bit too wildly edited, yes, but on the whole they tend to thrill. The little red-blooded American male in me can't help but like the kind of tasteless action Bay loves to assault his audiences with. It's trashy, but cinema lovers have to like trashy: trash culture is essentially the ethos movies were founded upon.

No, I have a bigger problem with Bay: the moments that surround his action sequences. The awkward, tone-deaf dialogue, the cardboard-cut-out characterization, the ludicrous orchestral soundtracks attempting to beef any moments of pathos or drama. Bay is a fine filmmaker when he stays the fuck away from humanity and sticks to cars, rockets and greased-up hot chicks. But when he takes a jab at, say, humor, or perhaps the notions of patriotism or sacrifice, he fails on virtually every level.

Take the "dramatic moments" of the two Michael Bay films that I can easily recall: Armageddon, and Transformers.

Armageddon: Bruce Willis is about to kill himself to save the world. Ben Affleck rises up in a little glass tube shouting and spitting, telling him "No! No, please! I love you Larry! (or whatever the fuck Willis' name was in that movie)" The violins swell and Liv Tyler cries gorgeous, crystal tears against her perfect complexion. Willis steels his eyes and pushes the button. BOOOOOM!

Transformers: Shia Labeouf and Megan Fox, whose romance has until this moment been sputtery and awkward in the worst ersatz John-Hughes kind of way, are being kicked and jolted by an apocalyptic battle between the autobots and decepticons. Just as the fall together in unison, a brief shot of their two hands clutching one another is seen. They lock eyes. The violins swell.

These moments are ridiculous. If Bay had any eye for his own talents, he'd know his strengths lie in action and action alone. He'd be a great genre huckster, and he may actually be resepcted instead of just absurdly wealthy. But instead he injects his films with these kinds of lugubrious attempts at characterization. Fuck this guy. Fuck him in his ass.